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Wow, Arthur. I resonate with this deeply. I, too, tend to be a perfectionist and tend to battle between who I want to be and think I should be, versus who I am in current limitations. Oof. There’s so much power in being authentically and unabashedly you. Now matter how “misaligned” that may be.
In this technocratic world, when we are born, I believe a fracture within the self occurs. You have needs that were originally met thoroughly by the world that God created… But in the world that exists today, if you ask for your needs, not only do you not get them met, but you get punished for asking. So you have your true self and your adaptive self that will do anything it has to do to survive. This adaptive self survives through coping mechanisms… whether it’s through narcissism, addictions, or seemingly unsolvable behavioral patterns. But they are perfectly natural responses to a totally unnatural environment and circumstance. It is inescapable and it exists within every single person. But so does the God particle. My prayer lately has been to see beyond the beast and into the Man… in us ALL. Anastasia could simply ignore the false self that is driven by instinct, and speak directly to a person’s soul. But I’m not Anastasia. She even professes that she was born in God’s cradle. I still have my own shadow and detrimental patterns and I get triggered as fuck at the drop of a hat because I am absolutely loaded with trauma. We all are.
It’s a dichotomy. A balancing act. Holding a bright vision of the future, while also being present and immersing oneself unconditionally and utterly in the present moment, which is far less than perfect.
I really appreciate your vulnerability and honesty here. I didn’t know I needed to read this, but I did. Thank you. You aren’t alone. Remember, you are a micro of the macro. I think we are all experiencing this on some level, in a big way. Don’t beat yourself up too much because you’re literally carrying around billions of years of your ancestors’ trauma. But also their love and their power! The fact that you’re here despite ALL THE ODDS… is NOTHING SHORT of a miracle. People are waking up. It’s all a part of the process. We are already on the way. It’s just going to take time. Don’t lose heart!
